How many y’all look at this and hear sound effects?
Last night, Chris had a dream about this witch who was chasing him. The witch had blood red eyes and swastikas for pupils, and she ate people’s teeth. How fucked up is that.
Anonymous said: Congrats on your engagement, Mary. I got married Sept 13th this year. I know this sounds dumb, but my husband's best friend (and best man) got engaged literally a week after our wedding and it just kind of bothers me... like, let us have our moment in the sun for a month at least. We all run in the same circle of friends and now that's all everyone is talking about. I would never say anything because... yeah, it's selfish, I know. Am I just being really dumb??
You’re not being really dumb. You’re just being a little dumb. To everyone else, you already got married, and had your big day, and everyone celebrated with you. Be thankful his best man didn’t choose to propose to his girlfriend at your reception. He waited until your wedding was over, and then he proposed. That was decent. I hate to break this to you, but even if he waited a year to get engaged, your “moment in the sun” probably wouldn’t have lasted past your honeymoon, as far as other people are concerned. No one really cares that much about what anyone else is doing. And the fact that “all anyone is talking about” is their engagement is probably largely in your head, and even so, those people are just being polite. Again, they probably don’t really care that much. Everyone is getting married these days, and they’re doing it later than they used to, while the women’s biological clocks are ticking. Maybe his fiance is 27, and will be 28 in December, and wants to have kids by the time she’s 30, but wants to have at least 2 years of child-free newlywed bliss before then. The clock is ticking. He might have been thinking about getting engaged to her before your husband even thought about marrying you, but he waited until you were all done. If you really want to upstage them, get pregnant. Otherwise, the only moment in the sun that matters is between you and your husband, and fortunately that can last as long as you make it. You and he are the only participants in your marriage anyway. Don’t be a diva. Be happy for that couple, and relieved that it’s their turn to be stressed and busy planning, and that now you can just enjoy this new chapter, and the little thrill you still get when you say to your dentist/cable guy/cashier/etc “my husband” this, and “my husband” that.
I also had a fitting for a bra today. I didn’t know what size I was. A lady with a tiny Afro and boobs the size of large hams and a roll of measuring tape around her neck put my bra on for me. That’s what they do, I guess. That’s what they do all day. They just put on people’s bras for them and decide what size they are. And they see their boobies. That was kinda fucking weird! I’m a 30D. I didn’t even know that size existed which is partially why I don’t even fuck with bras cuz they all be not fitting so I just strap them to my chest and pretend like them fuckers aren’t even there. I got this black bra and some matching pantaloons.
Pantaloons is the worst word, I think.
I think it might be the worst one.